I can't live With or Without You

2:30 am: "I think I should call him. Its been such a long time of togetherness. Its not worth giving it all back. We both love each other. Its been one of the best things I have. He's been one of the best things I have. Should I call him up?" she murmured to herself.

2:31am: "Its simply not worth anymore. The togetherness has been more of a sickness. Fights all the time. Egos clashing. Sad messages, sad calls. There's no magic left I can feel around. Maybe its best for both of us to give in and move on if life", she says looking up at the ceiling fan.

2:32am: "Yes yes, I agree the fights go on but the magic is still there. Remember the first time we saw each other? That was one of a magical moment. I think its worth giving a risk and going on with him. Lets try?" she said shifting side.

2:33am: "Oh yes! Fights going on since 3 months and you say the magic is still there. Tell me of two days continuously when the relation runs smooth? Without any ego clashes? Without any attitude trouble? Without any troubles? The magic has killed itself cos nothing can recover what we had." she said putting the pillow on her face.

2:34am: "lets just look at the good sides. Remember the long drives? or the coffees? or the lunch? or the movies? and so many things and feelings which cannot be explained? Its been such a long time" she said in her head.

2:35am: "Yes, it has been a long time. Long time fighting over and not calling each other, not messaging, not feeling anything called 'Love'. There's nothing left anymore. The bad things have covered everything like an ash cloud", she said screaming in her head.

2:36am: "But isn't it worthy of giving a try? Lemme call him and ask him to meet. We can maybe sort out everything? The bad time surely comes in everyone's lives but it, no wonder leaves too. We both should try. Wait, I'll call. He's still awake, I know", she says taking the phone.

2:37am: "Are you mad? Give away the phone right now. The bad time will stay as long as we both are together. And have we not 'tried' before to make things alright? Now they wont. Its just baffling to me. Forget him and move on", she says throwing the phone at some corner of the bed.

2:38am: "Okay, but the question lies- 'can I live without him'? she asks herself shaking her left foot.

2:39am "No the question is - 'can I live with him?'.  Its been a burden since a long time. Just let go off. Leave hands and move on. It was never meant to be this way. I've got a life too. Am tired of being sad and pessimistic all the time. My friends think I've changed, probably cos he buggers my mind all the time. I have a life too. I wanna live my way. A long road lies ahead and I wanna keep moving the happy way", she says removing the pillow from her face.

2:40am: "Will he survive this way?" she asks.

2:41am: "Why should I care? When he hasn't. Am sure he'll be happy too without the fights", she says.

2:42am: "I still Love him", she says crossing her legs.

2:43am: "Even I do. But now its time I start living this way. Cos its hard to live with him than without. I agree am not happy this way but I am not as sad as am with him. Now go to sleep". she says mending her hair with fingers.

When there's nothing left.
Courtesy picture: Hardik Gaurav

And leaves the song playing in her phone:

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you

With or without you

With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you

With or without you

I can't liveWith or without you

And you give yourself away.......

My hands are tied

My body bruised, she's got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away......

With or without you

With or without you

I can't liveWith or without you

Am saving all my Love for you

I watch him intently, as he slides, swings over, orders people, flatters girls with his witting charm. He never had a bath for sure.Yes, he is dirty, he stinks for sure, never brushes his teeth. Uses girls and forgets their names. His hair are never combed, long enough, embedded with colorful beads, wears boots all the time, old rings always fill his hands, filthy clothes, dirty clothes, drinks rum every now & then, excellent with swords and guns. Not at all trust worthy and surely will do things no one can imagine. None-the-less, I love him. I love his dark black eyes, his yellow groaning teeth, his walking style, his wittiness, his intelligence and most importantly when he says 'aye, savvy'.

Wonder who he is? 

Jack Sparrow

"There should be a captain in there somewhere", he says

All right, Captain Jack Sparrow. 

No wonder he is so attractive, handsome and dirty. A pirate after all. Escaped death like a zillion times. Filthy, mutton-chopped life he makes of everyone's, playful, mischievousness over the par. I cant blink looking at him (replace looking with staring). Can turn into anything to get what he wants the most. Since the holidays, I have been re-watching his movies (all four) again & again. No wonder his sexiness appeals me every time even more than previous once. Isn't he amazing? 

"The witty Jack Sparrow" everyone know him. Bad, blue, errant, gamey, ill-behaved, playful, risque, roguish, sexy, spicy, willful and I have just ran out of words.

I fancy him. Someday he might come over and sway me away with his ship. Not ship, "The Black Pearl". These are some of the moments which made me fall into deeper crater of love for him.

angelic-as he steps from the top of the ship

Commodore- you are no doubt the worst pirate I've ever heard of
Jack- but you have heard of me

That's interesting. I couldn't resist, mate. (as he steals a coin)

And he becomes the chief-to-be-eaten of tribes. 

Jack singing to Jones- I got jar of dirt, I got jar of dirt, what've you got?

Jack-how many souls is my soul worth of?
Davy- a hundred souls.

Now if you are so interested in killing your own daughter, why dont you just
throw her off the cliff  instead of me ?

(winning over East India Trading Company when everyone's floating their hats)
Jack- Gibbs you can throw my hat
(Gibbs throws it happily)
Jack- Now go get it

Jack to Gibbs- now that we've got the ship, lets move and where is that monkey?
I want to shoot something

when elizabeth asks her of wedding

always willing to make things 'square'

have you ever done something right jack?

fighting alone with the kraken when everyone left.
if the ship sinks, the captain must die with it.

william- have you heard of me? 

gentlemen, m'lady, this is the day you will always remember when you almost caught
captain jack sparrow

when the map reads 'up is down'. why are the maps never clear?

of course he escapes the hundreds of tribes..

the pirate rule

barbossa- but how are you still alive?

scaring off the mermaids.
(and that was without a single drop of rum)

after killing the kraken and returning from jone's locker

the perfect captain

which is your favorite 'moment'?

Meeting with the cousins Part-III

Yesterday morning they left for their home. My home has been quite since then. No more shouting, screaming, roaming around, watching TV all the time and what not. Its silent, sober and sailing like a ship in calm ocean. I like it this way. Even though I have to do all my work on my own: there's no one to fetch me water, bring me things from another room just once saying for it. But, everything is supposed to come back where it was, to its original state. The original state is the most comfortable one. Am glad now I don't have any peeping into my phone, whom am I texting to, no more glaring at the computer when am sitting on fb and asking things like who's this, whats that, and most importantly, my bed is mine again- No more sharing.
Yes, it was fun with them. Yet to a certain limit. They are kids after all! What could I talk to them all the time?
I feel free now. For sure, the house feels alone again with all the grown-ups, no shouting now screaming anymore. But, I guess its gonna stay like this for a longer while now.
Taking on holidays to the next level, am planning for more fun-filled days of movies (eager to watch Madagascar 3D), shopping, coffee (since its not good for growing kids, I couldn't make it at home for days) and planning something-something for future (dreaming I meant).  I made greetings for very special people and packed them gifts in newspapers and ribbons (go environment friendly things), watch movies (which are not suitable for little cousins.. ahem ahem).

Adios people! Enjoy the holidaysss (best time of life).!

Meeting with the cousins Part-II

Its gonna be a week almost since they arrived. The overnight talks are getting more cozy, the evening snacks are more chirpy, the swings are more faster, the bicycle rides are more rash. It feels good when they ask for my permission for going downstairs, eating biscuits, cold drinks and also for switching on the AC. Feels soo superior! I take full advantage of it though, ask them for bringing me water from fridge, for watering plants, for cleaning room. Ha! Little slaves.
But the last night was amazing. We painted two emboss paintings together, till 2 am. They ask me for every single detail of the picture, where to paint first and last. Hows and whats follow. The hard work does deserve an endowment. We celebrated with pepsi along with snacks with a round of "cheers". Followed by talks about movies, stars, songs, and what not.
"Vidya is more fatter than me. I dont like her", says 9 year of navya. She likes her fatty-ness and wants to be the only one with it.
The night hugs make me feel am precious to them. They both sleep with me. Hugging me.
However, the mornings are sweet too. Ria wakes her little sister up in the sweetest way possible- throwing cold water on her face.

I like how the days, the mornings, the nights go. But, somewhere my own private time of faceboking, talking on phones, watching my own tv shows (exclude this one, kids and me love Doreamon) has been lost. Somewhere, maybe the life is screaming for itself. Maybe its time things should be back to normal. This happens all the time. Someone comes, you enjoy, but then you want them to go and let your life come back in ASAP, but soon when they go, you feel a little pain. A pain of desolation, detached, individual and solitariness. 

Meeting with the cousins Part-I

Are you familiar with that adrenaline rush? That when you have reaching at a height of 60 feet? When you cannot see the ground? From where you can see the entire city? When your house, friends and everyone seem like tiny ants? When the stomach bounces flat and the wind juts carries you away? When you feel weight-less?

Just two days back my younger cousins have come to my place to spend their summer breaks. Geared up with pretty summer clothes, the girls haven't forgotten to bring their holidays homework. What a killer it was! Took twelve years of my life to complete it! Ria(11years) and nayva (9years) are just two opposites poles of the Earth. The home has for sure come back to life, for it constitute of high secondary, college, or pass outs. The park called then down with lusty swings. My job was only to push them and make them touch the sky. Huh! Tiring. 

Yesterday, we went again. This time it was different. Well, the weather was. Not much summer heat, but rather wind flowing. Different for one more reason, they asked me to swing this time (Replace asked with forced). I sat on the swing and my soul purpose (given to me) was to beat Ria. 

And so the adventure began. Magical, my feet still remember the techniques for reaching the cloud. What I used to do to defeat the swinging warriors. I reached a height of 10 feet, have to still go a long way. The adrenaline rush started a bit. Only a bit. I could feel my hair were swinging in the wind. I reached a height of 30 feet. Half of my capability it was. I had to defeat Ria! I looked up, the cloud was so near. I wanted to touch it. With all my efforts, I reached 60 feet! The height am never afraid of. After years have passed, I became a kid again. The tiny people on the Earth waved me as I was sitting on the cloud. The warm summer breeze seemed so lovely. I couldn't hear anything, except the sound of swing. The memories became as warm as the summer wind. The black & white memories were filled up with colors of childhood again.