A year of dormancy

6th November 2014 to 6th November 2015

A year has passed
of dormant emotions lying in the sheets
of unknown perplexity.
Opening and closing of closures
and of deeds never achieved.

A year has passed
of escaping from and sometimes running into
the darkness or the light
of another feeling flying
in the vast grasslands under the sky.

A year has passed
of never really writing
of writing and hiding
of sharing the writing
then wondering why did I share.

A year has passed
Upholding in my gut
changing with the world
letting go of certain things
and still adamant on some.

A year has passed
I know none of you
I know some of you
I live in the paper boat
Floating over the chances of knowing you.

A year has passes
my ink has dried
turned from black to grey
like the thoughts that I hid
somewhere in my chest.

A year has passed
I rely on myself
the world is a silly place I tell you
at the end, for yourself
Its only you.

A year has passed
I see some faces brimming up repeatedly
I can depend on them
They feed my irregular thoughts
I wish one was mine in those.

A year has passed
of accepting the fact that
I am not impeccable, I am deniable
I am not a rear view mirror
I am not closer than I appear.

A year has passed
Finally figuring this out
'This' is me
Trying to achieve the dreams
which are stupid to others.

A year has passed
from where I was
to where I am
supposedly where I will be
in another year from now,

would you wait to see?

Picture Courtesy - Hardik Photography

'A year of dormancy' is written just one year after my last post on my blog. My blog which was once so crucial to me, which I nurtured like my own little one, doesnt even exist for me now, unfortunately. I grew indifferent to my will for writing. I wrote in hidden crevices and denied sharing. I was quite the opposite a year back. I certainly come in those people who prefer saying 'I wrote for you', instead of 'I felt for you'.
This post is out of anger and disappointment with respect to the fact that I left writing. Or writing left me...........Or perhaps it never did.

Let me be your song

Let me be your song
which you sing to the stars
when you are alone at night
or walking during day time

Let me be your song
Which you can sing to the birds
which at my window, once chirped
they left my paradise for your heaven

Let me be your song
which can open up your doors
of opportunities and love abound

Let me be your song
which you will hum to yourself
in monotonous tone when
you are amongst your friends

Let me be your song
which you can sing to the nature
when it soaks you in monsoon
or sweats you in summers

Let me be your song
which can be played when you
wait for your loved one
on your wedding day at the church

Let me be your song
your voice will give it beauty
Removing all your pains
Magical, Your life remains

Let me be your song, dear love
which you can lull to your kids
somewhere in future
Even when am dead

Let me be your song
which you can change the rhythm of
but the words will always remain the same

And I hope this is written on my tombstone that;
I was sung by the best soul all throughout his life
With each verse you gave me blessings
Making our each memory engrave on the aurora sky

Picture Courtesy- Hardik Photgraphy

A Wine Glass

Its my red soul you know

which has been kissed my many

and it will be like this

for one more eternity

I'll get older and wise

i am called the heaven's angel

taking them to the hell's doors

All I want is my red wine

to be mixed with a tear of yours

The red color might slowly disappear

The kisses on my body of glass

will fade away

its just one tear away

Love is.. You #OctPoWriMo 2013 day 8

The gleaming glow on your face

Hands trembling or shivering

You remind me of the summer morning

when we first met

Love is.. You

Like the Yellow Sun

Drops penetrating your skin

deep down soothing your being

I look at you

and the rain

Love is.. You

Drops of comfort hit my face

The leaves fall and grow again

A few parts go, a few stay

You teach me often

of letting go

Love is.. You

teaching me more and more

The winter mornings

arrive late and leave early

your warmth is all I believe in

Hidden with you in the blanket

Love is.. You

Melting often; the chilling snow

This poem is not for a lover rather for the feeling of 'Love'. Not being of 'loved' either, but only 'Love'. For me, 'Love' is 'Love' and when things fall apart, I only say- I Love 'Love'. It doesn't really make things right but it keeps my faith firm on 'Love'.

Hidden in your eyes #OctPoWriMo 2013 day 2

I imagine your eyes

Often in black & white

sometimes with a hint of sepia

or beautiful touch of brown

For its foolish of me

to draw them in my mind

I wonder what all they hide

I see beauty blended with colors

Painful past or mystical future

I have dreams with you

For you

But I hide

Blur them at the corner of my eyes

Sometime I shall bring them in

Present them at your feet

Till then let me imagine your eyes

This time in more colors

I wonder what all you hide in them

Just like I do in mine

ठंडे पाओं

बारिश के पानी में
फिर ना जाने क्यू
हाथ गरम और
पाओं ठंडे पड़ गये
सोचा फिर कोई नया खेल चला है तुम्हारा
ठंडा गरम, गरम ठंडा
मुड़के देखा पीछे तो कोई था नही
बस कुछ पेरो के निशान
कुछ नरम सी आहटे
दो चार और थोड़ी बातें
बेवफाह तुम नही
पर यादें हैं तुम्हारी
मनचाही अपने मन की करती हैं
जब मन करता है आ जाती हैं
यूही उठकर चली जाती हैं
गढ़ी की टिक टिक
या बारिश की टिप टिप
दोनो तुम्हारे नाम हैं
फिर सीधे पाओं चली
देखा एक धुंधली सी आस है आगे कोई
आँखो का कोहरा है
या मन का विश्वास है
आगे चलने लगी तो पाया
पाओं फिर ठंडे पड़े और हाथ गरम
झूठ कहा था नही आ रहे
अब तो तुम्हारे झूठ सच से ज़्यादा मीठे लगने लगे हैं
खुश्बुओं से कितने महेकाओगे आशियाने को
अछा अब बस भी करो
ये बारिश भी तुम्हारी साजिश है ना
अब बस भी करो
और उस आस ने हाथ थाम लिया
फिर पाओं ठंडे पड़े और हाथ गरम
लेकिन इस बार बारिश को नही कोसा
क्यूंकी अब वजह थे तुम

कुछ समान

कल तुमने कुछ समान माँगा था अपना
आज मैं माँग रही हू
इतना हक़ तो है ना?
हो सके तो लौटा देना


उस रत बिखरा हुआ काजल
तुम्हारे कमीज़ से मला था

वो कमीज़ रख लो
हो सके
तो वो काजल के धब्बे लौटा देना


एक हरा कुर्ता बड़े प्यार से दिया था तुम्हे
जो दरवाज़े की कुण्डी में आकर
फट गया था कौने से
याद है, सीला था मैने उसे
उसी से मिलते झुलते हरे रंग के धागे से
वो कुर्ता रख लो
हो सके
तो वो हरा धागा लौटा देना


पिछली बरसातो में
तुम्हारे ही तौलिए से
सिर सुखाया था मैने अपना
कुछ बाल टूटकर ज़मीन पर गिरे थे
वो तौलिया रख लो
हो सके
तो वो टूटे बाल लौटा देना


कल तुमने कुछ समान माँगा था अपने
आज मैं माँग रही हू
इतना हक़ तो है ना
हो सकते तो लौटा देना

Dil dhoondta hai..

kitni raatein beet gayi
gin rahe ho na tum? 
mere haalato pe haste hoge na tum?
par aaj bhi
dil dhoond raha hai
un rangeen raato ko
fir un taaro ko

sheeshe mein dekh itminaan se
sochte hoge na?
haule haule bikhar rahi hu? 
par aaj bhi
dil bataur raha hai
toote hisso ko
aage badhne ki chah ko

baarish ki boondo se nafrat ho gayi hogi? 
kyu? harr boond yaad dilati hai meri? 
darwaza band karke duniya se bekhabar ho jate hoge? 
par aaj bhi
baarish ko utna hi sarahti hu main
tumhari nahi
jeene ki yaad dilati hain ye boonde

in sardiya bhi haath garam the tumhare? 
ya bistar ki silvato mein dhoond rahe the mujhe? 
fir razai aansuo se geeli ki hogi? 
par aaj bhi
mann mazboot kar rakha hai
dekha? sardiya bita li na tumhare bina

haan, kabhi kabar
dil intzaar karta hai darwaze ki chaukhat par
bechain hota hai 
fir ladkhadane chahta hai
yaado mein doobne ka bhi jee karta hai
par aaj bhi
dil tumhare bina saans le raha hai
par aaj bhi
dil dhoondh raha hai
tumhe nahi.. kisi aur ko
kyunki dil fir pyaar mein padna chahta hai

Picture Courtesy- Hardik Photography

Too much PACH!?

Yesterday was a bad day. Bad as in.. really bad day. Bad like tiring, head-eating, weird, disheartening,  'I give up'- kind of day.
I revise my day at night. The pictures of day spent passes my head by. I like doing it. Its important to remember, to embrace, to cherish, to improvise... to endure.
Yesterday's picture .... sucked. Literally. Its just hard to sleep with a sad face. Its one things that advances the very next brimming morning. I switched my head. No, not off. I switched it to a happy place. To a place called PACH.
I cant summarize Pach as Poetry and Cheap Humor group. It'll be an insult to keep it framed in four terms when half of your present world's happiness is subsiding in it. Actually, more than half. Sometimes, its the only happiness if life right now existing in real world. Pach took so much from my being. A little hesitant in the beginning, but I saw Pach just asking me to let go. I finally did. It gave me back a thousand times fold than what I gave.
Of course, I grabbed it all.
Its the rainbow- right after a heavy storm.
Its a tree- spreads & grows.
Its the north star- always sticks in blue-black blanket on head; to guide.
Its the family- supports & respects.
Its the friend- just doesn't judge.
Its a child- knows no bounds.
Its a flower- blooms all seasons.
Its a coffee mug- it understands.
Its Sun- looks breathtaking both coming & going.

Pach has taught me epiphany, to utter sense; it just doesn't interpret- only acknowledges.

Last night, I slept with a smile on my face. Thanks Pach! 

It listens; calmly, patiently.
It gives wings to fly.
It stays; time immemorial, it just does.
Its sticks, it embraces, it gives Love.









My special thanks to Saumya di and Anup bhaiya, for giving me the best gift of life- till date.

Photo Credits- Hardik Photography

aaj mat jao kaam pe...

raat ka saaya gaya nahi abhi tak

tumhari baaton se mann bhara nahi abhi tak

thandi siskiyan jo tum lete ho

majboor kar rahi hain mujhe kehne par

... aaj mat jao kaam pe

baarish ki sulkhiyo mein bheege

garm haath tumhare... yaad toh hain

mehakte huye khushbuo mein

doobte huye gaano mein

shabdo ko batora hai maine

... ki aaj mat jao kaam pe

dhoop kitni hai baahar

thak gaye hoge tum is bhagdaud se

thoda waqt nikal bhi lo

apne liye, mere liye.. hamare liye

aur kya kahu tumhe? 

... bas, aaj mat jao kaam pe

Picture Courtesy- Hardik Photography

Melting Snow

The pain is over
The wait is done
The power to hold you
Is what I yearn
To look beyond the night
And hover above almighty sky
You make me forget the imperfect ones
As if you are the first & only
Your brown eyes & soothing soul
Will it be mine? I want to know
Oh! your warm skin and trembling hands
Makes my feet go cold & skin blush
My hopes, my desires are born again
Afresh, anew
Yes, you are the cause
Be mine, thats only I ask
I want to grow, I want to cry
I want to smile, I want to shy
I want to weep, I want to hide
I want to endure, I want to fly
The old skin will melt soon
I want to break the bonds
Take me to all heavens above
You made me realize- I love "Love"

First Rain

A winter, an autumn have passed
Since I haven't seen you
Your hands that embraced
Your love that swept me
Are all counted in the bygone days

The heavy rain proves it
The leaves that fall, the shelter it breaks
Maybe you broke mine

But crippled flowers bloom again
Even after the heavy rain
Yes, its time to bid goodbye
To your memories I don't want to recognize

Look! the rain has come
Washing me ashore to a new land
Which doesn't have a magic you once had

After witnessing thousand showers with you; for you
This one is mine and only mine
My First Rain is here
It wants me to grow once more
Absolute, Determined

Thousand times...

A thousand times I have seen you
Spell bounded; breathtaking
Begetting beautiful thoughts in my mind
I see paradise

A thousand times I have felt you
Indeed; you are a nature's fancy
Mystery you remain to most of us
Capture me under your tyranny

A thousand times you have held me
Your warmth is all I see
Penetrating deep down my skin
Usher me in the heavens of all kind

A thousand times you have come to me
Crossing miles and miles
I yearn for you more;
stay with me all night

A thousand times I have tried
To tell the world what you mean to me
But words fail to describe
That... "You complete me"

Am keeping you Forever & for always

"Rain has its own share of magic".
Her mood usually goes with the weather and vice-versa. Cold breeze hits her white face and hair making them flow with its direction. The tiny rain drops starts hitting the red umbrella making a musical sound. She's alone standing under the umbrella where 'they' earlier were. Sometimes its only a walk in breezy rain that you need. It doesn't solve anything, it just gives you an awakening that it shall go on for some more time, just deal with it. She goes for a walk wearing brown rain boots. Street lights look so admiring like a beautiful pastel painting and so does the head lights of car. Her shadow follows her. When nothing is behind you to protect you from falling, there's a part of you for sure who never leaves. Leaves of trees collide with each other with the force of breeze, 'its a song of nature' they say. But it wasn't just an evening walk, she knew where she was going. It took 10 minutes to go the the highway by bus, but she preferred walking, for the nature insisted. After a long walk by time but short by mind, she reached near a tree with red & white strips painted on it. She bent over near a tiny heap of soil, kept her umbrella aside and started digging with bare hands. The rain went even lighter, as if letting the process go easy for her. Pictures started colliding in her head back to back- this is where they met by fluke, where they kissed for first time, where they parted ways, where she buried his last memories. What she was finding was surely a little deep inside, as if buried so with thought of never finding it again.
Some layers of soil and emotions later she found what she has left, found what she was looking for, for which rain went down- a silver heart pendant that her 'better-half' had given her. She removed all the soil over it, picked her umbrella and took a bus this time for she was tired of fighting emotions. She wanted to get back home as early as possible. Back home, the pendant was kept near a frame which had 'their' photo together. Its not really easy to move on from something, especially if a piece of you won't let you do so. "Even if I will never see you or talk to you, I will always keep a part of you with me", she said holding that pendant.

The last words. Of parivartan. Of gratitude.

The remembrances of older days are recollecting in my head like a flash right from my first year to this very moment. "The most important question of life is what are you doing for others?"
Like dew drops each memory is clinging to the tree and will now fall one at a time. With every dream coming true- right from multiple camps to a heavy step like clean satya to a risky business like Sugraahi or haphazard event with slum kids 2 days back, each one has come out beautifully. A real successful year this 2012-2013 was.
I convey my thanks to my members, my family. "I must be cruel only to be kind". I thank everyone for tolerating my anger & showing your patience. 8 am morning meetings or leaving college at 8-9pm after work memories are the ones I am taking with me.
The farewell was beautiful, really beautiful for I could see glimpses of our work at the back of my head and in eyes of everyone with beautiful annual magazine in hands. I do not wish to thank by taking names as you all have made me proud. The team would have been incomplete with anyone missing.
Keep up the good work you guys! Keep going this way; for this way is the best of all. We all have seen this video- but I want everyone to view this when something upsets or bothers you, ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IReflkF4_tc&feature=youtu.be

For now, its time for me to say Goodbye. With tears of joy, of happiness, of pain, of love, of laughter of everything I wish you all good luck for years to come.

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land

You Form An Inseparable Part Of My Life

                                                       -An Irreplaceable Love of Father & his daughter

I see his wrinkles appearing as my cheek bones do
I see his skin getting dull as mine starts getting new
His shoulder gets weak as he carries his bag to work
His feet gets swollen sometimes red
His eyesight is diminishing with every passing seasons of nature
He is my father & I am his daughter


I remember the days he carried me on his shoulder
The long walks in middle of huge forests
Him running besides my bicycle rides
When I look back, I see his face admiring mine
What fury of nature is this
Which I fail to understand?


We see the seasons transiting over time
Old leaves fall and new arrive
The nature but; fails to destroy our bonds
Love; astounding love that exists in our souls
One day will arrive
When he may not be around
When he might be a part of nature only
But sadly, not of me
What will I do then; I ask myself
For I keep shut for a while
And put the thoughts aside


His wrinkled hands may not be on my head
His awaited morning hugs may not be any more cherished
Indeed, life will go on forever
With his teaching that I will always remember
"Believe in yourself", as he'd always say
"Don't look back and to yourself; never betray"


He holds my hand through time of worry
I behold my head up high and fly
The black sky turns beautiful blue at once
As I keep my head on his shoulders
For time may come and time may go
He is my father & I am proudly his daughter

F.L.Y

Dew drops are clinging on trees

Seems beautiful to me

I think I am in Love

Astonishing Love; with you

I think it'll soon be You & Me

You hold my hand tight

The words about to come; I might have heard

In movies, in songs they say

Is this magic travelling through my veins? 

I think it'll soon be You & Me

I think I am flying high

With you, into the sky

Swimming aloof through the clouds

The 7th Heaven I have witnessed finally

My heart makes a sound

Am I rushing too fast?

I quickly do the words aside

I think it is now You & Me

The clouds don't allure me much

The ground keeps calling

Your charm is finally loosing its shine

Transiting seasons invite me

I think its time to go

Dew drops fall from the trees

They hit the ground softly

The green grass, the yellow flowers

They ensure I am not abhor

I think now its only Me and I dont mind

I look at the pink clouds above

Sometimes they tease me

For the heaven I have left

But who says there's no heaven here?

Passing a smirk I enjoy the transiting seasons

I think its blissfully Me and I dont mind

I will soon FLY

Its Been A Long Time

Its been a long time
Since clock has struck some happy hours
Since I have made you smile
Or I have made you feel mine
But I still Love you
Like the wind loves the chimes


Its been a long time
Since you made that gesture to come closer
And I accepted it like a treasure
Feels like the world is parting into halves
But I still Love you
Like the sky loves the shooting stars


Its been a long time
You left me with many scars
Yet I treasure those
Because scars are the only things I have from you
I still Love you
Helpless, devoid, destroyed, yet with no irks


Life is a musical series. We have so many singers, composer and sometimes some instruments playing at the back of our minds.
I heard one song few days back and got lost in my dreams. The music provides us with an escaping portal whenever required. The song only had piano playing with no words. None words were required I thought. I imagined myself walking on a candy-flossed cloud with barefoot and eyes closed. My soul gets dispersed in all directions possible. As the note pitched a little higher, I fell down form the cloud towards the ground as slowly as possible. As if pearls falling from heavens. The dispersed soul comes back into its original form all of a sudden, hitting my very being from inside. The song ended throwing me back into reality of a struggled life. For a second I had reached the stage where I used to play the keyboard, long back. I miss the keyboard. I miss the happiness of life which came with it. I miss the black & white keys which made my world yellow. Now I feel deprived. I guess I gave up too early. When people constantly force you for something, there comes a time when you want to let them take over you and end the fight. The escaping portal has long gone now.
Here's a song which I bet anyone would love to get lost into. Let it reach the depth of your very being.

Oo! The Moonwalk!

I simply start sipping my coffee, mocha it was as I restlessly think about her- one I've known since a long time cos she keeps residing her life to me and I give her my diligent mind. Coffee starts it all right?

I humbly present myself to her as she starts her story with a realistic blow and slowly her each word forms a picture in my mind, unfolding a splendid romance. 

I imagine her having a coffee with the man she wants to get indulged in entity of love with. She initiates and I began to realize how much she feels excruciating of how feelings mold among them, instead of hauling I forced her to go forth. It hit me how hard it is to fall in love with someone. Harder it is to make him fall in love with you. Hardest to come out if he doesn't. I witnessed her footings by allocating myself at her stance at every second. It entangled me for a long time, until I was awestruck by a feeling bottom-lined- Patience.

Sometimes, its all about taking a foot backward and feeling the earthen blessing of nature- Love. 

Appears hard enough when you have clearly stepped a lot at front, going retrograde would feel getting immature unless given a shot. She approved on above skin but could not penetrate deep within. I kept trying.   Isnt it beautiful when you get what you need the most? How hard would you try for it? How mad would you become for it? To what extent would you go for it? What if going reverse is the only way? "As like learning to walk again"?, she argued. "How can you try something you already did long back? How can you fill a cup which already is full?", she continued with agony. "What if the one you want to walk with is still learning to walk? Would you not give him a hand and walk beside?", I said placidly. Muteness followed for some while and then a smile came across- smile of acceptance. After all, its worth a gamble when it comes to Love. 

Thats when she left the confession chair. 

Don't Hold Your Breath

Days seem like decades now. Nights dont pass. Mornings dont come. Time doesn't travel. Ears don't hear. Feelings not felt. Heart doesn't beat. Lips dont move. Eyes don't blink. World has stopped revolving. Winds have stopped blowing. Visions blurred.
Its been three weeks since they haven't talked. Complete three weeks. 21 days. 21 longest nights. 504 hours. Zillion times of looking over the phone. hoping the next text is from him.
Maybe he's left. Maybe he's moved on. Maybe he's found the way of living without her. Maybe he's happy.
She kept ignoring the feelings and soon became a core none could broke into. Being stronger than possible. Being strict to life, which has been terrible to her. Being harsh on herself. Being the meanest being to oneself. If by any chance, he pondered into her thoughts, thinking of all the worse he has done, trying pathetically to hate him.
Until that night came...
The night of awakening. That night of loneliness. That night of pain straight into the heart.
When someone is inserting a needle into the heart. When someone is hammering the broken bone again and again. When someone is stabbing your heart again and again. When someone is cutting the wound freshly made every now and then. The pain is intolerable. It makes you scream. Scream and ask 'that' someone to stop. To stop hurting you and go. But what if the one hurting you is 'you'? Painful it gets when the one who's stopping you to live is 'you'. That night was a night of pure realization and quintessential convulsion.
That night all she could focus on were his warm hands, even in chilled winters. All she remembered was his deep brown eyes gazing at her all the time. The indispensable hugs, the tight sleep in his lap, his cozy and comfortable shoulder. His harsh memories disappeared at the flash of the moment.
Life seemed colorful and pleasant again. Only in his lovely memories. She smiled that night to herself and slept into his lap of memories.

The next day, they met.

If one feels amazement with someone at a long drive. Loves to deep drown in someone's eyes at a sunset. Feels special with that special touch over a lunch. Life becomes complete sitting just alongside a lake with him. Scratch your knee again and again falling in love with the same person. Time just passes by like a wind. The world around becomes a haze when he kisses you. The chilled winters become summers with just a hug. Then don't think twice. Fall in love. Once again. And again. And again. Don't hold your breath.

"Anywhere I go, I can never stop loving him.
A piece of my heart will always live with and for him"