Chapter 4 : Love

The picture starts becoming clearer & clearer by now. Jenny had moved on from her first love. The love that had its ruins and residue left for over two years. Its all washed away.

Jenny decided to live the life now; for herself .

She'd spend time with herself. She made good friends, and a few best friends, indeed the people whom she needed a lot in the past few years. The people that she desperately wanted were the ones around her, instead of the ones whom she would look out for outside the world. Her temperament changed a lot. 

Jenny grew by this time.

Yet, she didn't want any more "guy" to make her mushy and fall deeper in love. 

All she knew was, she took out time for herself. Knew herself. The spiritual processes began which went on for an year or so. She'd never get bored of herself. She could sit hours all alone. The seclusion wouldn't eat her after all. 

She grew stronger in academics, spend more time with the people around her. 

All this while, she knew what she wanted to do - Live. 

And what she didn't want to do - Love

But, Love happens when you least expect it. 

Jenny was eighteen now. 

Young, charming, at the peek of womanhood.

That's when she met the Prince of her life. He tried & tried to woo her. But, nothing could transit her decision of not falling in Love.

Aghast! she did fell in the crater of it, the disease that even spread through eyes. 

That's when she met the Prince. 

None-the-less, it didn't work out. When Jenny gave implausible reasons and ran out! Even though she did Love him. 

She couldn't breathe. She couldn't Live. She couldn't Love herself.

All Jenny wanted was some more time maybe.

She left the Prince and her magical land. 

She ran into the dark woods. 

But yet, she knew, every night ends with a beautiful morning sun. That's what kept her alive. That's what kept her walking. 

After a few months, she came out of the woods. The world was magnificent out there. The Greenness made her feel alive. The flowers blooming & blossoming gave her magical powers. The sun rays hitting her beautiful white face gave her an unique glow. The spiritual process was over. 

Now, she knew what she wanted.

She wanted the Prince back! 

"Wait! But that's impossible now, I have moved into some other world and I cannot leave this here", Jenny thinks. 

"Is there any other way that I get back to Prince and even live this astonishing life", Jenny asked herself. 

"Why not?" Jenny looked around. Who said that? And she knew it was a voice from deep down.

She ran back to find Prince. To invite him to this wonderland of wonders. She wanted to live into "Nirvana" with him. 

She ran, and stumbled into him. He stood there, not saying a word. 

She told him about this feeling of utter happiness, the land that ended all her troubles. The land where her spiritual journey had ended. 

But the question was, "Will Prince accept her again?"

He didn't talk to her.

"I can't be back", cries the Prince. "You've left me into the unwanted crater of anger & pain", he continues. "You left me for no reason, now am leaving".

"No, you can't," says Jenny. 

"You just can't, I know what my problem was. I left you cos, I didn't Loved myself completely. In order to Love someone, you must Love yourself. In order to know someone, you must know yourself first. And now, when I deep down have encountered all my troubles. I know, I do Love you", she ended waiting for him to say something.

It followed with a silence. The same silence she had listened to when she proposed her feelings to her first love after two years. But, no, she didn't want this to end like that did. 

This was her last lair to Love.

"I want you back so baldy", she pleaded.

But, love never works with force and pleads and begs. She knew.

"I wouldn't force you, if you do feel for me, I'll be waiting", Jenny cleared and walked away.

She gave a final glance at him. Hoping she would have more glances at him. 

She walked. 

But, oh! her beautiful hazy eyes, made the Prince fall.. again.

"Wait". Jenny heard the voice from behind her back. It was the Prince's

"Don't you know its ominous to stop someone who's going", she said with a tilted side smile. 

"As if am letting you go", the Prince said.

She turned and leaps into his arms. Their magnificent first kiss follows.

"So, you Love yourself now, huh?', asks the Prince. 

"Yes, I do", says Jenny twirling her eyes and giving a shrug. 

"Good Lord! I have a competition with you?" says the Prince with a smirk. 

The both laughed and lived together till eternity in the land of "Nirvana".

Chapter 3 : Liberation

She didn't pick his calls. What would she say? What would they talk about? It was such a blurred picture. She couldn't help, but resist his calls.
Five calls, all missed by her.
He was the first prince, who made her feel like a princess. She was no longer a girl next door. She wasn't ordinary. Did she even tried to fill the void of her first love through him?
"No", would say Jenny.

All this happened in June 2009.

"It's getting out of my hand now, I need to confront my love for him now", says Jenny to her best friend.
"I think he already knows, that's why you were in a relation with him.. well for just a month.. that's a different case", she says.
"I just want to admit it to him. I can't move on. Its been two damn years, I am just filling his space through other guys. I can't do this anymore, leaving such a devastation behind", says Jenny.
"What do you wanna do now?", she asks.
"I'l tell him I still love him", Jenny says.
"And how will it help?" her best friend asks.
"I don't know, but all I know is I'll be liberated. I want that freedom. If he accepts me, its good. If not, its still fine", continues Jenny.
"Will you move on after that?", asks her friend.
"Am sure I will", Jenny ended the conversation.

She called him. He picked up. It all started with normal conversation. He throwing jokes as always, which Jenny loved always. His voice, so magical and mysterious, which she couldn't ever resist. It all went through. Until, she hauled.
"I wanna say something", Jenny said, stopping his jokes.
He was still laughing on his jokes, and he stopped, laughingly he said, "Ya, go on".
"I don't know how to begin. Its just that.... ", Jenny stammered.
"Go on naa. Just say what you want", that's when Jenny thought he knows what she was up to. Yes, he knew,  after all he was the one who could make exact guesses, none wrong. He was the one could would just sway her away with his "Hi".

"I think I still LOVE YOU", all of a sudden.

A silence followed.
That was the first time he was silent.
"Say something dumbo", she said.
"I don't know what to say. Jenny, you know I don't. Its been two years, I thought you'd moved on", he said.
"No, I couldn't. I mean I wanted.. but I couldn't", Jenny said.
"Girl, you had two more guys in your life, what was that for?', he asked.
"I just tried to find "you" in them, I couldn't", she said.
"Hmm...", he said.
"What hmm..? Throw me a reply?", she asked desperately.
"I don't love you Jenny. I don't. You know this thing. I can't. We are good as friends Jenny. Lets be best friends", he said.
"I was inclined towards you. Just said if by chance you also have some inclination towards me. Chuck it, I can't be friends with you for sure. Its been two years and four months, I wanna move on. All this time I was just looking for love.. for something that only reminded me of you. But, I can never force you to feel for me. Its okay. Not your fault. But, we'll be in touch if you want. Not best friends, not even good ones. Just mare friends", Jenny ended.
"Whatever keeps you happy Jenny. I'll be happy as far as you are", he said smilingly on other side of the phone. The smile that could kill millions.
They exchanged byes and take cares.
She kept down the phone.
Its ended.
Its all ended.
It was 12:12am.
The best time of her life.
She sat on the bed. She murmured to herself.
"I just did something that I wanted to since past two years", she said.
It was the feeling which cannot be described.
Now she knew what India would have felt after being freed from Britishers.
Yes, she thought she had done something for which she must be rewarded with some medal of honor or trophy of bravery.
"I can no longer feel any more 'him' in my veins. Its all gone, all washed away, with just one call. Oh God!!! I should have done this long time back if I'd known it was this easy. None-the-less, I have done it", she said.
Even if he, has rejected her proposal, it was all fair.
The happiness of rejection was at such a par, that if she would have been accepted, then also she wouldn't have felt was she was feeling then.
It was LIBERATION. Liberation from all the pains. Liberation from making regular efforts of coming under his eyes. Liberation of endless sleepless nights.
"Now, I wont find 'him' in other guys. Rather, I don't need any guy", she said.
She felt a different kind of love then, something she felt for the first time.
It was LOVE for herself.

Chapter 2 : Why can't we just Rewind?

There she sits. Wondering what went wrong when the picture seemed unclear. It was raining heavily. The rain drops were falling on the window panes like melted silver. She went outside. Surrounded by storms. Losing her senses, she had a glimpse of the past.

The tape gets rewind by three years by now. It seemed like all the pictures started flashing in front of her eyes like some power point slide show. Intricate life began.. again. The wounds started bleeding ... again.

LOVE STORY - I

Jenny was fifteen. Then came the first guy she met. The first love. Somewhat she had always seen in movies. Jenny was immensely drowned, besotted in love. He was her best friend, until she knew she felt something for him.... something strange, unusual, in a good sense though... in the best sense maybe. Jenny was young and charming. She had always been beautiful, would say her mother. That was Friday evening, when he called. She picked up.
"I think I feel something for you", he said.
"Like what", said Jenny. Wondering if he would say what she had always fancied.
That was the first time, when Jenny's insane heart skipped a beat. She wanted to tell him so since ages, but never did. "He's a guy, let him make the first move", would say her friends.
She waited, until he said those three awe-inspiring words.
Jenny almost fainted. She pinched herself, wondering if it's just one of her regular dreams she used to have at nights. THIS IS IT!
The romance began. But, it didn't last for more than a month.
"I think we are good as friends", he would say.
"I was just baffled", he continues, "Are we still friends?", he says doubtingly.
"Asking for friendship after the break up, is like watching your dog die and you ask your mom 'can we still keep it'", says Jenny. Her innocence was murdered there and then. She thought of never calling him again, but the void was huge. Jenny was so indispensable of him.

The rain was growing stronger & stronger. She still stood there.

LOVE STORY- II

After one month, came another guy. Jenny didn't feel for him. He was three years elder to her. She knew there was something missing, the void is left to be filled.
"Would this be right? Shall I say yes", she said in a monotonous tone.
Poor Jenny, was too young for this. Confused, caught in the briny, beleaguered, a startled bird not even ready to fly; she said yes.
After seven months, the guy left her. Giving ludicrous, preposterous reasons for leaving her. But, she handled it all. Jenny was courageous though, had always been. Jenny never saw him again.
At the end of the day, what she figured out was, she still couldn't fill the void of her first love.
The vacuum was still there.

The rain now started falling a little slantingly, rushing with wind blowing.

LOVE STORY-III

Jenny turned sixteen. After three months and seven days post of her previous heartbreak warfare, she met another guy. Jenny had been his first love, first childhood crush. They were in the same school, and had his heart at her feet since past four and a half years. Jenny never cared.
After two continuous break-ups, she wanted to swim out of the depression. Aloof of love. All she needed was friends. She got none. Until she met him. He seemed nice, very nice, with no wrong intentions.

Each time she would try to swim out, something would pull her inside. When she had been almost out, she slipped again... stupid Jenny... fell for her guy, whom she never felt for.
Poor poor Jenny, just tried relentlessly to fill the void of her first love. She meant no harm to any. But, she left many lives destroyed.
After a month and sixteen days later, she left him. He was subtle, sober and too good to be done bad. Jenny didn't want to do him any bad. She left him for his own good. He "deserved" someone better.

The rain stopped suddenly. The time travelling was over. Jenny came back to the present. She went inside.. to prepare coffee, which she was the best at. The atmosphere seemed indescribable. Just as the nature was at peace after what the strong rain had brought it the subjugation. There seemed a similarity between Jenny and the nature.
Consoling herself, she sips the coffee. But another greatest part of the puzzle was left: her fourth "Love"- The first Prince of her life who made her believe she is a princess. LOVE STORY -IV, the so-called- last love of her life.
She realizes before that, there isn't any sugar in the cup. She went to take more. Then, something summons in her mind. She had forgot to stir the sugar left untouched at the bottom. "Maybe the love am looking for is deep down,  within me, than peeking each time outside. All I need, is to invigorate myself".
Before she could take another sip, her phone rang. She froze. Her cup almost fell off her hands. Her eyes didn't blink.
It was him......

Chapter 1: Mehfuz hu

Phase : I


She found the Love of her life.... or so she thought. Her handsome "Prince Charming", as she had imagined while growing up with fancy princesses of Disney stories. He was right in front of her. Tall, dashing, handsome, intelligent, cute. All that she admired.

Romancing with the Prince Charming

She was Jenny. Bold, beautiful, at the stroke of her women hood, witty, adorably admirable, the girl every guy out there would look up to, more like Michaelangelo's creation.. or so she thought.
What else could she have dreamed of?
But, after having heartbreak, like four times before, could she say yes? It was risking the life and emotions again.
"Stop it:", says her mind. "When will you come out of your fairy land? There is no so-called-PRINCE".
"Go on, take the risk. Who knows this is it?" says her heart.
Final verdict: She says "yes" in haste.
"Dammit", says her mind.
It seemed like a fairy land.. again. Prince and Jenny walking down the aisle one fine day.
"It's never gonna happen, you are the biggest dumbstruck ever on planet", says her mind.
"It will, it will. Let the magic work. And can't you see she's happy?" says her heart.

The feeling undefined

Each time she met the Prince, walking around, talking, chattering, sharing everything, her heart skipped a beat. And her mind, never missed a chance to take over.
Charmer Prince kept the love alive, sang songs for her, took her to the places she had never been to, dates, romance, everything went as she had seen in movies.
"Awww, how sweet:, says her heart.
"Stop your awws. This isn't something new. Watch your step and don't slip this time. When will you grow up? Come out of this dream. WAKE UP!", says her mind.
Despite this, fulminating the mind each time.
"If this is the dream, then its the most beautiful one. Never will I grow up", says Jenny. Overpowered by her heart each time.


Phase : II

Jenny rewinds what went wrong.
"He's broken me now, says her heart sadly.
"I told you, this is gonna happen", says her mind sharply.
"Does this means there is no Prince for me", says her heart.
"I hope this time, you have learnt a lesson and will grow up finally. It was never your so-called-Prince's fault. Live the real life",  says her mind.

Today, not even the Prince knows what happened. Maybe because Jenny gave implausible reasons and ran away.
She has now figured out the reason of this break-up though. The mind and heart were always pointing at two opposite poles. One night, when the moon was full, but the sky still seemed empty without the stars, she had known both moon and stars complete the picture. None can actually hang on alone. Same is with heart and mind. There and then, the mind broke away the handcuffs of heart and won the game. Ergo, Jenny left the Prince.

Does she still misses him?
Who knows?
But, she misses herself more as the most vital part of her has been plundered away: her heart and has imploded.
Jenny only has her mind left.
There are no two voices inside her now. Mind and heart fight no more... no clashes.
"Time shall heal", says her mind again and again. Not letting her fall for anyone.

"Tere hothon ke.. kisi kone mein.. hasi ki tarah main MEHFUZ HU....", says the Prince despicably.

She sits at the window of her home, which until yesterday was the window of her castle and thinks..


"Love is like a bird, if you hold it tight, it will die. And if you hold it light, it will fly". 

Jenny is still left to figure out one last thing: Whether she held it light or she held it tight.