Northern Lights

I know someone.. someone whom I don't wanna know further. Did she do something wrong? Did she do something which I didn't find right? The questions will always be left unanswered. I broke the thread between us. Most of all, I never want to talk.

Part-1

They were in what we call "LOVE". For last five years. They were profoundly each other's firsts. They cuddled. They hugged. They smiled. The LOVE always brewed up in every cliche of eye sights of theirs. All was kept a secret. The relation, the emotion, the heart mold into thousand expressions. The perfection, is what they were. 

Part-2

"This is it", it was said and done. 

But what happened? Between them? And between me and her? 

First, they parted ways, cos he was supposed to marry soon to someone else. 

Are we supposed to find Love according to age, colour, religion, region? Does Love can behold into these anonymity? Into these artifacts? Into these priorities set by world? Can Love be caught with hands, torn like paper, burn in fire, kept rotten into the deep earths, easily erased like waves of ocean does to its shores, or can be picked and thrown like a flower. It burns my soul when I see great Love Stories ending. Love isn't supposed to end. It just goes on even after death.

Is Love destroyed too easily? 

Second, maybe, she is too strong to let go. Maybe they already knew this is how the things would end. Maybe she knew they must live according to the choices of people around. And her presence, does not make me feel strong, rather pinches me every second. Not relieving the pain, rather injure me. Injures my Love. 

Will my Love end this way? Will the world pick on mind too? Will my ending time come too? Am I as strong as her? Am I ready to face the world? Am I ready to give away easily, watching the world chose, what they feel is 'better' for him. Will I let go too easily? 

Every second she crosses my mind, I compare. I compare what she is living, and what for I am living. I compare her present with my future. I compare her power with my weakness.

Can I let go him, as she did? 

Am I supposed to Love with the fear he might go one day? 

I am afraid to see, now, what the future holds. 

Northern Lights(Norway) - My dream place with him.

Every time I close my eyes I can touch the colors around meSuddenly I realize everything I thought was impossible is hereAnd my heart sings in a world so incredibleAnd everything burns much brighter
I (I) want to fly (fly) into this beautiful life I think it'd be nice with youI want to fly (fly) into this beautiful life I think it'd be nice with you, with you, with you, with you
"Its all about you and me. It was all about you and me. It will be all about you and me"- Him

My hands feel complete with yours

Annoying 'G' word

Agonizing, annoying, bitter, hard, thorny, that's how I can describe the "G" word. The feeling I never wanna be preoccupied with. The feeling I relinquish. The feeling I deny. The feeling that irks me a lot.
Am ugly at saying 'Goodbyes'.
I always ignore saying it.
What happens when someone goes, and you don't know how long you'll have to wait for them?
What happens when deep down you know, its gonna be another 'long while' to see one glimpse?
What should I do? What should I say?
The regulars, bye, take care, have fun, have a happy journey and all?
I brush off saying these. Alas! The feeling I posses, can't be moulded into words, sentences, frames.
For a glee person like me, I am used to getting 'used to' to people/things.
I cant even let go off the 'things', not to forget. I still seize the first friendship band I got in 2nd standard, the boxes of chocolates I get, the dried up roses in middle of old books. No matter they get dusted pretty well, I feel secured in heart. Surely, its even harder to say Goodbyes to people. People maybe friends, neighbors, teachers, classmates, friends of friends and what not.
Especially if they are going somewhere where you know the regular hellos would get lessened. The bona fide pokes would disappear. When you would long for a cup of coffer or the messages on phone.

In that case, all I would do is get & give a bear hug, say bye and leave. Somewhere, at the back of the mind, there are a million things I wanna say, but they just get sealed with a smile on the lips and wrapped with an invisible tear in the eye.
Afterall, The Goodbye isn't too Good. 

Caught in the Animation! :O

Vaguely, am completely into this movie am watching on sunday afternoon with biscuits or anything which I can replace with popcorn. How much does it matter if its animated? If its cartoon? The best movies I have seen are either on Disney (mostly) and a few on HBO or Star Movies. Consequently, Disney is the Godfather of animated movies. All I know about these ones are, they'll never let me down. They just make sure, the ending it perfect! These are the ones that gave birth to 'princess stories' and 'happy endings'. Even if they are the one with the dwarfs, or with an evil mother, an evil witch, or and handsome prince, speaking toys & cars, barbie dolls and all the princesses the world has ever known, not to forget speaking fishes too!
"The world is cruel outside. It will break you apart, or eat you alive", is this is what you are ever thinking, then its high time you turn your heads towards these. No matter how dumb, rejected, stupid, irritated you feel, Disney will make sure you completely have a different mind post the movie!
Maybe, it throws you in an imaginary world, but after all, Life is how you see it. Life is how you feel it. Life is what you make it.
Here are the ones that have ideologically won by heart, mind and soul:

The story of a little elephant with huge ears that looks abnormal to many,
and rejected by all, except his mother. He still following his dreams.

the original Alice  in Wonderland. How Life can itself be a 'dream'

Love saves Life. The movie rewarded with 'best Disney princess ever'

Awww!! Pooh! Our favorite bear in the world!  Animals too have heart!

Go outside your comfort level! Sometimes Life's worth a risk!

Love sees no money.

I sometimes still wonder, what my toys do at my back!!

Never give up on dreams! They are the best things one possess

Its never too late to follow your dream. Better late than never.

Until a man hasn't loved an animal, a part of him remains undiscovered

A shark, jelly fishes, whale or even humans come your way, dont ever give up on Hope!
You know you can still make it.

Love sees no face. It only sees heart. At the end, the feelings stay.

Remember, no lies!

If you have what it takes to risk everything to find the True Love, then  the magic
will always be on your side.

Fame is not everything. Love, friendship, Life is found beyond Fame.

No matter how hard it is to prove your worth, keep trying. After all, Adventure
is another name of Life

At last, the pure hearted and beautiful princesses.

Winter Memories

I love winters. This happens to be the best line to stat this post. The morning fog. The colored stoles. The beautiful caps. The cute gloves. The woolens. I happen to love it all. I happen to wear every color other than the usual blacks and browns in the winters.
I look a little fat in winters, that surely isnt the whole book about winters. I love them cos I get dreamy.
I write with my colorful gloves on. And I get lost. Get lost in the dreams of Life. Dreams of what my future would be. And I text him with my colorful gloves in middle of the morning 8:45 am class. I surely hate that class!
And I rest my head on the support made by elbows. The tiny gloves warm my cheeks. And I dream some more now with my face titled. And I stay like that until the bell rings.
Going back home, I saw a tiny cut sleeves jacket at Monte Carlo, a little costly it was. I remember how my mum used to make many such for me. How stupidly the factory 'things' have replaces mumma's 'Love'. I went back home and asked her to make more today itself.
"I am the designer, and you are the tailor.. oops! creator", I said to her.
She briskly refuses my proposal in a laughing tone. I tried convincing, even offered her a salary (Yeah, I haphazardly tried to bribe her) but couldn't. Even though I know the tiny flying threads gets into her mouth and the doctor asked her many years back, never to do it again.
"I'll bring you a mask, mumma", I said laughingly.
The winters were memorizing then, when she used to make tonnes of beautiful sweaters for me and my sister. The sweater with many colors used. Woven with hooks and many colorful beautiful gems looking buttons. The creative necks and collars. I remember how the aunties sitting under sun wiving for their little ones, would stop me from my plays and turn me all around and touch my sweaters and try to hack the woolen codes. They failed substantially.

L-R: Me, younger brother, elder sister, each in our woven sweaters.

The one I still carve for was a grey one, at the back of which, with yellow (my favorite) was written "AAVIKA". I loved it everyday. But, it happens that when you grow up a little, you are forced and supposed to give it to your younger ones. I loathed this ceremony. Instead, I did not get anything as good as I was giving. My heart sank. And sank with every sweater. With every pull over. And I never talk to those "stealing cousins". Today, I dont really know who would be wearing my AAVIKA sweater as my cousins have also grown up now. Hope wherever it is, its safe.
Nonetheless, I started making something, on a very little base however. I made a purple muffler for my barbie doll, which I knew I wont give it to anyone. Yes, I can make mufflers out of a woolen ball. Its not such a work! One day, I will make many for my mumma, for sure.
Happy Winters!!!

The Story of 'Her' Life

I very clearly remember how I met her. In the train. Sitting opposite to my birth. Her mates offering her the vodka, she taking just a sip, asked me "Vodka?", happened to be her first word to me.
"I dont drink", I said
She gave away the drink. Smugged.
Thats where we met. Opposite upper births of train.
And thats how our rest of the night went, talking about which courses we do, ambitions we have, hobbies we keep, people we admire, songs we listen and so on.
We enjoyed the upcoming days together. It was destined we meet, thats what I can say.
Acquaintances we were.
Sadly, not all NSITians stay in touch. Surprisingly, all 'their' people usually sit on the same couch as mine.

Monali Sisodia
Studying in Swami Keshavanand Institute of Technology, Management and Gramothan.
And profoundly, studying in 3rd year when I met her.
An institute in Jaipur where she was to become a Scientist.

Or so, wasn't written.
"I dont wanna be a scientist yaar! Its getting over the head", suddenly a message shows up when I just reached home at evening from the depressing life of 1st year at college.
"Its okay! Maybe you are too sick of exams appearing", I replied
She called.
And in hassled way we talked.
She left it. Just before her exams appeared.
And completely changed her profile.

Monali Sisodia
Frameboxx Animation

An insitute in Mumbai where she is to become an animator.

God will always give you many ways to pick. You must pick what is best for you. For, He shall never pick on your behalf. Even when you think you've happened to have picked the wrong one, He shall rewind the time for you and bring you again the two paths. Maybe the same older ones. Or maybe the completely derived new ones. Nevertheless, He, surely will.

Doleful, we never got to spend enough time with each other. Blithe, she frequently calls and messages me the updates of her life.

Right now, she is about to complete her animation and do a splendind job in the same. With the annual function upcoming at her college, and height maybe 5"10 she is the showstopper of Fashion Show.
With a lovely pretty face she has, I dont know what they will make her fom the "Gothic" theme.

She, completely changed her Life. Took a decision that, she knew will compell her to transform the outlook of herself. Made her parents understand her priorities and grew completely as a beautiful butterfly out of a cocoon.
Moreover, she recenlty did a photoshoot of a model, as far as I remember.
"Toh kya hua khud model nahi ban sakti, photo toh le hi sakti hu", thats the message she'd sent me.

Dont know, when the time shall come and we meet. Do all the things we scheduled. But, the time shall come, I encourage myself .
Lionized into success. I wish she fills her cup with more of that with divine luck, faith, hardwork and beatitude.
Love will always flow from my side, I assure you.

And I... will always Love You

They could hear the footsteps arriving closer.
"Everything's with you?", he asked her.
"Yeah!", she said haphazardly. More in agility, checking her pockets that her phone and wallet resides in place.
"And me?", he asked.
She looked at him. Those eyes of recklessness. Those eyes of fondness of her. Those eyes brimmed with emotions for her. Those eyes of prolong, abide dreams of clenching her in everlasting bonds of intimacy. Those eyes of what they call- LOVE.
She looked up, hands still in pockets, hair just falling hastily on her eyes and ran into him.
Every time she would hug him, she knew her heart was never filled.
Insatiable.
Addicted.
The footsteps were close. He had to let go. But she couldn't. Yet, the Love had to be sustainable, to be left for future.  They glanced at each other, with eyes desperate to fall into each other.. again .. and again.
"I Love you", she said brashly.
"I Love you more than you do", he said softly.
She turned & smiled innocently, "that's true".
She ran from fear. Fear of having caught by eyes other than his'. Fear of the world to know what they mean to each other. Fear of not being accepted by the world.
She knew he was watching her. Indeed with no time to take a flash of his beautiful eyes, she absconded, for she knew the time will give her more.
For him, it was more piercing. For he, waits for the right time to arrive and secure her keeping the world at stake. The time when they would fear eyes of none. The time when they would fear the footsteps of none. The time... shall come, he promises.
And yet, she only breathes on that promise.

If I should stay, 
I would only be in your way. 
So I'll go, but I know 
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
You, my darling you. Hmm. 

Bittersweet memories 
that is all I'm taking with me. 
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what you, you need. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 

Its better late then never...

Finally, feels like its been ages since I've gotten down to blogging. The exams ate my mind & time up. Having so many fishes to fry, I couldn't think of anything. Though, the cake didn't bake very nicely with many complicated issues to be followed. After giving the final exam, trust me, I didn't feel like they are over. Neither was I filled with over the brim excitement and relief. Relief is just a term that arrives if your exams went good. Mine, just the beginning two were good. Rest. Just flowed like a landslide. Not just I had to give my one compartment exam (which again didn't go so good), I had to give another one of the crankiest exam the very next day (which gave me a severe depression) which lead to more of the blahs. Then, I lost my wallet somewhere, which not only had enough money which I was saving, but also my college ID card and driving license. Anyhow, this blog isn't about again feeling the ennui.
So, yesterday I told my parents what my influenza was. They gave all their ears to my issues. Ears which I got from none. It felt good, relieved to let them know. Yes, my issues were something which many people have. Obviously, I understand 90% of what is being fed in the class. But, somewhere when it comes to exams, I do not perform that well. These were the points I figured out:
* Gazing at the question paper, I realize I have read all this & that. So it should go good. But, while crossing half the bridge, I can't carry the rest. Its because I study only during exams, which mixes the things. Then, I don't know which way to go. Rather, its important to do some daily studying. 'Some' is also 'enough'. After all, each drop of water makes the ocean.

*The positive aura is also important. Which only comes with love and peacefulness. If one has these, the concentration becomes stronger.

*Another thing which made my wine fell over the glass was my sleep. I crucified it badly. Waking up till 3, 4, 5 in the morning only gave me less time. 'Less time' for my brain to take rest and store the data. Thanks Aditya for that future tip. Also, if one wants to do that, he shall do it daily. 'Daily' studying till this hour of the morning so that the brain becomes addict for this level- Dad said. Which, does not happens to be my bite of apple.

*Even friends matter for support. The college which I belong to, happens to be one where people will look at you with lowered eyes if you do not score 65-70%. Thats what I said to mum, that people don't talk to me nicely when it comes to studies. She just said this "You are what you think you are. If people think you are not good in some field and even you think the same, then you are not. But if you think you are good, then let people blabber".

Isn't this amazing how parents advice you so nicely. Even if you are a failure or a topper or some average person, you are a star for them. My parents are my last shot of grasping hope, and they never have, never will fail me for that. Just that you need to share things with them. If they do not ask you about your studies, its because you never tell them anything. But if you want to some day open that door for them, you'll see them standing there waiting for you to let them in. Not just one of the parents, you'll find them both. It gives a break actually. But just tell them before they start expecting, thats the trick. Its like, you come home giving the worse exam and they smilingly ask you how was it. And you are blank. So, just tell the, before they ask you. Not just about exams, about everything.
Friends, spouse, people, only happen to give you one or two or three chances, but they give you million. Thats because they trust you, since birth.
"Its okay! Its just a third semester, you still have three more. You are just half way. Now you know where you need to work, you will do better." Mum said.
Last but not the least, Thanks Nitti. You were a huge pillar of support during exams. Not just one or two exams, but every.
So, I happened to share with parents, and they let me breathe again. They let my doomed ship fly again. Am letting go off what happened this semester, with many new tips occurring in my head, I'll pay off confidently in the next one.
Finally, a nice cherry is on the roasted cake. "A good ending, makes everything good".
Solace. Succor. Sustenance.