Deep Thought

"A man would do nothing, if he waited until he could do it so well that no one would find fault with what he has done"
- Cardinal Newman

Friday, September 23, 2011


"I quit, get lost", she said in acrimony.
"Hmm", he said.
She hung up the call.
After a few seconds she called back.
"You won't stop me either?", she said.
"You tell me what do you want me to do, I'll follow", he said.
"Oh God! Why on Earth am I stuck up with you"? she said. And hung up again in fury.
She threw the phone at an arm's distance, and laid on her back down on bed. Looking at the ceiling, she closed her eyes softly. "What the hell am I doing with this guy who barely understands me", a voice inside kept on repeating the same sentence over and over again deep down her soul.
She swiftly rolled over her stomach on bed, head inside the pillow, hair loosely tied.
She stretched out her hand, no messages or call received, for she wanted him to beg for mercy & everything to be normal again.
She started having the glimpses of the past: The first sight love, the first meeting, both blushing, the first dance, the first dedicated song, the first hand-in-hand, the first month anniversary, the first fight, the first apologies, the first gift, the first love greeting, the first rose, the first maggie, the first movie, the first forehead kiss, the first hug, the first breakfast, the first rain, the first winter, the first long drive, the first kiss, the first sharing of ice cream, the first snap together, the first yell, the first beg, the first marriage plans and all the firsts..
"Why are all the firsts so lovely and rest not so", the inside voice still goes on in agony.
This wasn't their first fight, or rather not the first break-up (she hoped it does not turns out to be this way). Haven't they fought and gotten back together every time? Even after the longest break-up for about two-three choking months?

"When people get too close, things start becoming irking after all. There's always a need for providing space".

"Take a break you two, have gotten too much into each other. Ask him for a break, not a break-up", don't know how many times she has suggested this to many couples.

She comes back to the present world, her soul lie upside down on bed. Picking up the phone, no messages yet received. Three minutes to the fight, and still no concern form his side. At least, she expected an apology if no begging for mercy. "What a guy", she says shutting her eyelids very tightly drifting the phone's screen upside down, almost at the end of the bed.

"Its been days since we've had a break up, why cant he come back? He said he needs time. How much? Why didn't he specify? Its hard to wait", asks a few of her friends.
"Why don't you just wait? Let him breath a fresher air, so you do too. And it all gets better in time", she would suggest.

"But why is it always easy to suggest others and not so easy to implement on our own lives", the voice screams inside.. "Patience girl, have patience".

"Its better not to fall into relationships", would say many of her friends.
"Does it mean ignoring the feeling of these strange feelings, which only your other half can give you? Even though being heartbroken a million times, does it mean not having strength to keep looking for the apt one? Does it mean forget the moments you've had? If so, then am sorry, I cannot avoid, but still fall for 'Love'". She would say with pride over the head.

"Shall I say sorry? " she thought.
"No! This would again mean losing the battle. It would mean declaring you were wrong. He'll repeat the same things again", would say her mind.
She doesn't bother to look up to the screen now.
More minutes passed by. Instead of greeting herself with the blithe moments, she started remembering the ugly ones.

"True, once you are in a bad state of mind, you attract more of it".

"Maybe this is the end", her soul repeated this line for one more time. Probably for the tenth time, out of which ninths, she'd always listen to it and try to forget her Love.
"Not for the tenth time", she replied to her soul. After all its been two years of profound love, there's no such thing called 'ego'.

"When ego comes in the ground, there's no room for Love".

She raised her head, hair still loosely tied, two tears running down the left cheek. She picked up the phone.
Called him again.
He picked up. For he could never ignore her. Not even in the most annoying times, while she did this quite often. Eyes close, she apologized. For whatever went over the head. The fight that they had, even though on the two year one month anniversary of their's which pinched her the most.

"Forgiving and Forgetting is one of the secrets of a successful relation.. be it amongst any two people".

"There are only two words in the world which can change one's state of mind & soul: 'Thank you' and 'Sorry'. There's no limit to the usage of these words, but one mustn't ever forget to use them wisely and timely".

Alas! Things are fine. Today, she heard the song he'd dedicated to her for the first time:

I am finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time 
And gracefully fall back to the arms on grace

Cos am hanging on every word you sayin'
even if you don't wanna speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me 
Cos I want nothing more than to
Sit outside heaven's door
And listen to our Breathing
That's where I wanna be...

With a huge smile on her face, she continued living with him.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

So Yesterday

I remember I was in 7th standard since I loved the Disney Hit series of Lizzie McGuire. Broad casted in India in 2005-2007/8 (I roughly have a glimpse of past).  My dinner was just booked with it. Nobody would dare to touch the remote at 10pm in my hand and I would make everybody watch it too. Yes, my ignition of teenage life started with her. Learned a lot from her, the school life, and what not (even though it barely had any resemblance with Indian schooling, still close to me). Never did I know how would I survive without it. After me reaching 10th standard maybe, it ended (after repeating the full fleshed series for almost ten times). Dare would I miss any episode, no matter how many times I had witnessed it, my eyes would always glue to her, her friends, family, her notorious little brother, and her crushes. Not to forget, her cartoon protagonist which would appear in some or the other scenes. Oh! I was in touch with her even before my first crush (so, its quite an old thing). She just sembled "me".
It happened that evening, me returning from my regular tuitions, my eyes were awestruck when I saw her first ever video from her album. Yes, I had known she was a singer too, but never had I seen any videos from her. Never had I known her as something out of her daily routined Disney show. Man! I love that video as it even inspired me to use a kajal (her eyes simply beautiful to me). She was fat, at that time. Even though aware of this fact, I would still fight with my friends screaming, "she isn't fat! Don't say this ever again". She had a little pale yellow teeth and I would still scream, "Maybe she had jaundice which left her with this" or blabber anything with over the par confidence.

Today, me sitting at North Campus' Nirula's, saw one of her old videos (when maybe she was 16/17) on 40 inch LCD in the eatery joint. "To the beat of my heart". 
Yes, she was fat. I recognized the body again, even though now she is way thinner.
I madly saw the video without a blink. I still remember each word, I sang it moving my legs to and fro under the table, like a kid again.
Yes, I imagined myself. Even shorter than am now. Discussing the previous night's episode with school friends in two cat-like-ponies. Coming back home, I would watch her videos in my then-new pc (we bought it when I was in 8th standard), literally jump on the bed and give similar expressions as she did in her video with something that could pretend to be a mic for me.
I came back home today. Opened this youtube thing, which I barely use. With eagerness I typed, "Hilary Duff- Beat of my heart".
Saw this video first time in like 3-4 years. Happy as a bird am! I felt each pinch of those days.. again.
Followed by the first video I ever saw, "So Yesterday". 

Not to forget, I have seen her each movies like 5-10 times (at least) and each video like don't know how many times (even memorized many of her dialogues which I still speak along while watching her movies).

How weird life is sometimes. How do we even dare to forget the things we promised never to? How did I forget the one person who made my entrance into the teenage years way simpler which wouldn't have been so at her absence.

For a few people on the planet Earth who do not know about Lizzie McGuire, this is a must visit link:
My ever favorite videos:
"Hilary Duff- So yesterday"
"Hilary Duff- Beat of my heart

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A cup of caffeine?

I poured the Nescafe coffee powder into the grinder with two spoons sugar. Followed by two spoons of water. After grinding, poured 1/4th cup of milk into it. After some labor (by the grinder), I saw the cream made up. Into the milk already boiling, I fully transferred the ingredients of the grinder. Just after a short time interval of five-six minutes, hot cappuccino was ready!
As soon as I gulped down the first sip from the yellow coffee mug with black stripes, I saw the pre-rain whether. 
Three of my little friends of society playing in the park in rain made me smile at them. Laugh as one of them falls down. I, just standing at the entrance of balcony, gulping down my favorite liquor, watch as the rain increases its fury.
The smell of rain, of wet soil mixes with the aroma of caffeine. The voice of rain, so pure, collides with the sound of me gulping down my coffee- The only thing that I can prepare on my own.
My friends playing in the park now rush back home as the eerie of rain takes its spin. I, watch it grow. I watch the trees dance, in the light of moon.
How filled with glory the world is. How beautiful the life is. I've never been so over-the-brim with happiness stored in, than at now. I've never been filled with goodness, than at now. After quite a long time, I am filled with some positive charges.
The coffee is halved now.
I remember how worse the last two months were. Working as a beaver, unwell, people in need forming distances and the heartbreak warfare around. 
Just the right time the song plays at the back of my mind. The song I not only give an ear to, but donate all my senses to, like at least one hundred times a day. How lovely the lyrics are. The best line: "I dont care if we dont sleep at all tonight, lets just fix this whole thing down". A bizarre song Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer.
Followed by Your Body Is A Wonderland.
 It has happened to me, at the end, when no one understands you, these world re-known artists does. As if, each line they are singing is for you. Each word is for your happiness, remorse,  guilt... everything.
Only two more sips left.. I gulped down one. 
Glancing at my life, everything is back on track now. A few remorse, but people have accepted me this way. Forgiven me and made me forget the bad days. One such person ready to give off everything. Just to make my everything back on track. And friends, no matter what, will jump into the deepest of the ocean and drag me back. Some are life supporters, some are life givers, some life donors. The life is yet, more to be explored. More friends to be made. I exhaled a heavy breath -"Its over, the bad time is really over."
The last sip of coffee passed down my throat.
The cup of caffeine is the celebration of friendship & love. The rain is the celebration of life.
Here's the link to both the songs...