Deep Thought

"A man would do nothing, if he waited until he could do it so well that no one would find fault with what he has done"
- Cardinal Newman

Sunday, July 3, 2011

This, too, shall pass....

Something opulent, magnificent, impenetrable, ghostly, unfathomable, and what not, that I discovered yesternight.
Something each one in vein, troubles, doomed shall try. You ought to know this.
Its 11:50pm.
You have a fight with someone. Someone close to you. Someone you usually look up to. Addition to it, you are problematic since many days by now...or maybe weeks by now...oops! sorry, months by now.
People do not understand. Why can't they see you are star-crossed. Cursed by demons, things are going off the road. But, wait... they are still the same.

Just wanna be unrestricted. Exonerated. Free of vows.   Free of duties. Liberated.

You turn on the radio in your dad's phone (as your phone disturbs you a lot). You put on your headsets. Switch off the lights. Just the voice of the ceiling fan is available. Just the voice of the ac is heard.
You keep switching radio stations. Its hectic. None of the radio stations are playing the music according to your mood. Ten radio stations available. All you have done is switched from first to last, about five times. You pause, look at your phone kept at a hand's distance from you. No calls, no messages. The person isn't bothered. You throw the phone away in angst.
Its 12:15 am now. Wait, the third radio station plays a good song.
Gaye tum gaye ho kyu
Raat baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye ho kyu
Baat baaki hai
Gaye tum gaye hum thum gaye harr baat baki hai
Gaye tum.. hum jeeye kyu
Good song for the start. Great! You shut the door. Its all dark inside. Inside the room. Inside your soul. You lie down on the bed. The pillow just beneath your head. The headset in your ears.
You burst out in tears.
They say, If first tear comes from the left eye, means you are crying in happiness. And if, from right, you are crying in sadness, angst, fear, hopelessness, hopelessness.
But what if, both tears fall from both the eyes at right time?
You cry. You cry in vein. You cry alone. You miss that person? You miss the happiness? Or maybe, you do not miss anyone. Yet, something is missing. "You" is missing.
You just cried two-three tears from both the eyes.
The song is over. Great! Now the radio jockey is blabbering.
You switch the channel.
Dil toh aakhir dil hai na 
Meethi si mushkil hai na
Piya piya
Jeeya jeeya jeeya jeeya
Dil se re.. 
Good very good! You are getting better. You decide to shed some more tears. But wait, you phone's screen shows some light (after you've put your phone on silent). Someone's text appears. Remember, you are in no mood to reply. You throw the phone away, away from your one-arm-distance.
Its 12:45 am now and You are bawling badly. Do not forget, your parents are sleeping. You can't weep and shout at the same time. The sobs should have minimum frequency. It shouldn't go out of your bedroom door.
Someone's calling you now, who is it? Is the same person for whom you are crying? Then, do not pick up! You know your pain which is eagerly coming out now, will go back into the depths. Remembrance; you want liberation from pains. You keep the phone aside, let it ring (in silent mode).
The song is over. You aren't.
You switch the channel again.
Hum dil de chuke sanam
Tere ho gaye hain hum
Teri kasam
Cool! Almost a river is shredded from your eyes. You look at the ceiling fan. You still wish to cry more. Wait! you dad's awake. You hear the voices. You invert the phone screen and act as if you are sleeping. He came. He went back. Gosh! You should have kept the sobs at lower volume!
It 1 am now. Another two hours, you do the same.
Let it all come out. The fear, the angst, the pain, the suffering.
Blame it all on you. The blame game will anyhow terminate at you. Either now, or later. So why not now? Accept it all. "Yes! It was all my fault". 
At last, you are the one who make choices. You've made the decisions. More or less, you were given the options. But the path on which you are walking, was indeed chosen by you.
Pull your hair. Throw the pillow. Be mad at you. Although, its better not to cut off your hand or vein or whatever. It fetches you nothing. The pain grows day by day and each day you look at it, it reminds you more of it. After a month, it gets healed, injecting more poison inside your very soul (trust me, I've been through this). You gotta be grown up!

Next morning, you wake up. With eyes swallow, but the mind is back to its normal size. The eyes red, but the soul is crystal clear. Outside, it pains a lot. Never the less, the heart is at peace.
You have shed away the pain. The guilt is gone. You have done it all.
Even if the pain isn't completely gone, I guarantee at least the pain is halved. You are ready to tackle the person now. Yes, now you are strong. Now that you have cried at your wrong decision making, you will surely make the right choices now. Using the brain, along with the heart.
You still won't leave hope. Hope is a little fairy you once met with a promise you won't leave the her hand. The fairy too made a promise, to be with you in the dense forests, in the endless oceans, in the dark nights. The fairy will keep her promise, only if you do. "Do not leave her hand".
And you say it to yourself, "This, too, shall pass".
Of course, why wouldn't it? After all, life goes on. Doesn't it?


  1. accolades n have just pen down the feelings into words...

  2. Umm...Its too personal Aavika, I mean sacredly personal, not like the stuff I write. What can I comment here? If its about how you wrote, then you would know my reaction, it is beautifully written. However, I guess the post itself was written in a state best describable by words used liberally throughout the post- angst, anger, and the ilk. A little few mistakes here and there have made this piece of writing endearing, and also projected your vulnerability as a person. Yes, I like to believe what is written in the last paragraph, but I much rather would like to see the girl from the night stronger. It is okay to shed tears, but to have your mood, heartbeat, thoughts and every related thing captive to someone else----that's not my girl.

    Am sorry if I wrote beyond what I was supposed to. But the post was moving. When I am moved that much, I let things out.
    God Bless!

  3. Dear Varuna,
    Its your first comment here. Am pleased to welcome you into my blog. It feels astonishing to see you in my followers list too. Thank you so much for this.
    Hope I'll be able to touch your heart each time.

  4. @Saumya di,
    Its not about 'me'. Its about all the people who face such dilemma. I even wrote it for a few more people whom I know, are close to me, who couldn't still move out of the woods of troubles.
    Plus, at the end. The person did move out, I believe. That's when s/he faced that "this, too, shall pass". The person now knows that sitting here and wondering what went wrong, who did wrong, blaming other people, wont do. Ultimately, this has to be dealt with. And its only "you" who has the power to do it.
    That's when the person knows the "hope" can lure him/her out of it.
    Yes, the person here is vulnerable. Guilt makes the person more vulnerable. This must be tackled.
    I just want people to get connected to it. Face it one night, one dark night, that ends with the morning of hope. Ends with the morning of faith. Ends with the morning of trust in one self.
    And move out of it.
    (Am grateful for your comment so so so much)